Powerful mantras
October 24, 2010 1:35pm

I find that when life gets tough, focusing on something that reminds me of the whole of life, the big picture, helps make it thru the next minutes, hours or days.  Here are some you may find helpful when going thru a divorce.


Love in your heart puts power in your soul. {Don’t let anger put toxic hate in your soul.}

There is something lost, and something gained, in living everyday - Joni Mitchell  

You cannot change many things, but it is totally your choice on how to feel about it.  

Don't lose who you are even though you are hurting. 

Don’t let your past be who you are now if you don’t want to be that person.

Forgiveness is what you do for yourself.

Your children get only one childhood.  


Send me the mantra that got you thru this difficult time so that I may share it here with others. 

Posted by Barbara Bartlett

Begin Healing
February 14, 2010 6:08pm

When you die, what will be the most important thing to you?  Will it be the toaster you got in this divorce?   Will it be the house you get?  Or even the retirement?  I am not saying those things are not important.  They are important to your day to day comfort.  But your emotional health cannot be sacrificed for those things. 

Just like it will hurt to give up half of your marital assets and to give up time with your kids, divorce brings about other kinds of injury.  It affects our foundation of ego, and that really is hard to deal with. You have the power to heal those feelings.  The power is in you.  No one can do this for you.  You need to start down that path.

When I say ‘heal’, I do not  mean to forget what made you hurt.  Nor do I mean that you have to forgive your spouse of responsibility for whatever transgression occurred.  I mean putting those feeling in perspective so that the wound starts to scab over.

Think of it as a case of emotional economics.  You only have so much emotion to share.  Where do you want to spend it?  How big a return are you getting right now with the anger you are carrying around?  One way to unload that bad debt is to forgive it. 

Healing is possible.  You just have to believe it is possible.  If you choose not to believe it, then you won’t even begin to heal.  In my decades of doing litigation, I rarely saw anyone begin to heal by fighting the other person in divorce court.  In collaborative or mediation divorce, the healing seems to starts at least midway thru the process.  And by the end of the collaboration or mediation, hopefully you will have the tools to move forward for a more positive life. 

Posted by Barbara Bartlett

More on Healing
December 25, 2009 6:30am

A book by Ira Byock, called The Four Things that Matter Most,  dissects the living and death experience to come up with what brings us peace before we die.  It is contained in 4 phrases:

Thank you.

I love you.

I forgive you.

I am sorry.

Would these ever be any of the things you would want to tell your ex-spouse before you died.  You probably won’t get a chance.  Can your actions during the divorce suffice to send the message you want to send.

Also, remember your children will remember this event for the rest of their lives.  What do you want to show them. 

Posted by Barbara Bartlett

Finding the New You
December 25, 2009 6:30am

The option of collaborative divorce in Tulsa, Oklahoma has begun to gain recognition.  Couples in Tulsa who choose this alternative divorce process should be mindful that divorce can still be a very emotional process.  One common emotion is fear of the unknown.  This is especially true when a Tulsa couple is divorcing after many years of marriage.  They often find themselves thinking “what do I do now” or “being a wife/husband is all I have ever known, I don’t know who I am anymore”.  The answer to this fear is that you must now find the “new you”, sort of like a metamorphosis (meta·mor·pho·sis a striking alteration in appearance, character, or circumstances).  

Imagine if you will a caterpillar.  It is green, fuzzy, crawling, and has so many legs to keep up with.  Soon those little legs will carry the caterpillar to the perfect spot in which it will become a chrysalis.  The chrysalis is very ugly and undesirable and to some it may seem as if the caterpillar has died.  The truth is, the caterpillar has not died, it is simply going through a transformation period.  Soon the transformation is complete and either a beautiful butterfly or undesirable moth will emerge. When a butterfly enters our world we take notice and say things like, “wow, look at that beautiful butterfly flying so freely with such grace”.  But when a moth enters our world we see it as an ugly pest and often shoo it away.

Collaborative divorce in Tulsa offers you choices in the outcome of your final settlement agreement.  You, however, have choices in how you come out of the divorce process.

It’s true that you will be a single person but will you be the butterfly desired by all or the moth nobody wants to be around?  Will you be noticed for your strength, your courage, your ability to overcome?  Will you allow pain and hurt to consume you and negative emotions to make you undesirable?

Divorce is a metamorphosis some Tulsa couples will go through, a real life changing event.  Unlike the caterpillar that does not choose its’ outcome, you do have the ability to choose yours.    The question is will the outcome of your metamorphosis allow you to fly freely with positive thoughts or remain imprisoned by negative emotions?  The choice really is yours.

Posted by Deanna
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