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Transitions
November 6, 2009 8:23pm

Divorce is a transition.  Transition is simply the time between the ending of the marriage and the beginning of the new phase of life.  One spouse is usually further through this transition than the other.  Some did not even know the transition was coming.  And some have finished with the emotional transition before the divorce even begins.

 

It is important for me to know where you are in this transition, and where your spouse is.  The difference in where you  each are in this transition may be the source of conflict.  One may be still looking for solutions to the marriage, or even denying that there is a problem.  The more that spouse is pushed through the transition faster that s/he is ready, the more resistance will happen, and the more conflict will surface in the settlement conferences. 

 

Another part of being ‘behind’ in the transition is that the spouse has not had time to come to grips with the fear of the uncertainty that lies ahead.  The spouse who has been thinking about divorce for a long time already has put thought into the future.  It is not as scary for him/her. 

 

Collaborative coaches can help start the process of accepting the ending.  The coaches will help the other spouse understand the delays that may occur from the lack of readiness.    

 

Hopefully in the end you both will have worked through the ending, but can embrace the new beginning.


 

Posted by Barbara Bartlett

We attorneys are not so good at emotions ourselves
November 6, 2009 7:57pm

Attorneys in the Family Law area:  Did you know we have a high incidence of depression.  This is because we are trained to be aggressive and emotionally detached.  Pessimistic lawyers tend to excel at their careers, but all these traits lead to an unhappy personal life.  We are now officially worse off than dentists in rates of depression and addictions, according to an ABA newsletter by Sue Hansen posted 2/18.09:   


Need a change?  Try working in constructive resolution of every divorce case.  Collaborative divorce has allowed attorneys in the Tulsa area to change their practice for the good of themselves and their clients.  The clients have a healthier outcome and so do the lawyers. 

Tulsans have a choice of how they divorce.  Tulsa attorneys have a choice on how they practice divorce.

 

Posted by Barbara Bartlett

War
May 21, 2009 2:43pm

There is no reason a divorce needs to turn into a war.  Anger ususally comes from fear.  Fear comes from the unknown of what will happen to you in a divorce, and your post-divorce life.  Recognizing this weakness in all of us lets the door open to the collaborative process of divorce.  If you are in Tulsa metro area, Oklahoma, please check out my website DontFightAboutIt.com

Don't fight about it.  Solve it with dignity.   

Posted by Barbara Bartlett

Staying in Control When Anger Rises
February 17, 2009 5:09pm

Staying in Control When Anger Rises

 

Most Tulsa couples facing divorce will likely experience anger one time or another during the divorce process.  It is good practice to have a healthy plan of action when dealing with anger, especially anger related to divorce.  Keep in mind that there is nothing wrong with being angry, but how you process that anger could be all wrong.

 

CNN.Com posted an article entitled “7 things to do when you’re really angry.”  If you are in the Tulsa area and facing divorce, perhaps one of the following 7 options will allow you to deal with your anger in a more healthy way.

 

  1. Acknowledge it:  Anger cannot be dealt with in a healthy manner until it is acknowledged.  There is some power in admitting you are angry.  Admission of your anger can also allow you to feel validated. It is the first step in working towards a resolution.
  2. Spell it out:  Write your feelings down.  Write them with a pen and write them on paper.  When you face divorce it can bring about countless emotions, with anger and fear being two of the most common.  Those couples who are living through a divorce in Tulsa may find freedom in writing their thoughts on paper.  As you write, you have the opportunity to process and replay the events that brought you to your pen and paper.  You can use your writing time to consider alternate options and steps towards resolution or even ways to manage your anger before it takes control.
  3. Get physical:  Transfer your anger into an activity that will allow you to release the tension of divorce.  In Tulsa there are many options for stress release such as running along the river, working out at the gym, or hitting a few rounds at the batting cage.   Releasing that stress and tension can be a healthy alternative to anger.
  4. Seek perspective:  Take a look at the big picture as opposed to what has you so angry.  It is no secret that divorce is hard on your emotions.  The reality is though is that there is more to your life in Tulsa than the circumstance you are facing.   Take some time to reflect on what is positive in your life.    Write those positives down on paper and meditate on them.  Even through divorce, anger can be lessened when you gain perspective on your position in life.
  5. Connect, carefully:  Vent on someone.  Just remember that friends typically choose sides in a divorce.  You don’t want to vent with someone who will encourage the battle.  Find someone you trust and be honest and open with your emotions.  There is comfort in just letting go with someone you can trust.
  6. Take action:  Divorce can make us feel powerless, as if our life is out of control.  Take some time to identify the triggers that get your feathers ruffled, and then take action.  Work on ways to improve the situation.  A plan of action against the triggers can give you a sense of control.
  7. Watch it:  Anger can linger in the form of hypersensitivity, making you more irritable.  It is important to remain focused and alert while working through the divorce process.  Keeping your mind healthy and well rested is a great way to be mentally prepared for working on issues of your divorce. 

For those couples in Tulsa who feel divorce is imminent, we offer the use of coaches in our collaborate process.  Coaches often give you a safety net in which you can vent, have your feelings validated, give you a sense of respect, and still keep the process moving forward in a positive way. 

Posted by Administrator
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